Friday, June 19, 2009

An encounter with a watermelon (part 1)

I've finally found it: a stronger synonym for schmuck. Besides, that's someone's nickname at work, and I don't want to be unclear if I'm talking about a schmuck versus Schmuck. So I've been looking for an emphasized version of schmuck. A word to be used when a typical, average schmuck does something so schmucky that the word schmuck just won't do.

And here it is: Watermelon, a large piece of poop that makes a big splash when it hits the water.

I'd like to take a moment to tell the story of a recent encounter I had with a watermelon. I'll let you be the judge if I'm being fair or unfair with my resentment and public advertisement of the watermelon in question.

Let me set the mood lighting first.

Bonfire night, a couple of weeks ago. Beautiful spring weather, hot fire, lots of marshmellows to torch, and (of course) beer. Danny and I have been trying to expand our friend base; not because we don't have close friends (best friends), but because very few of our friends are close (that is to say, none are nearby). Most of my bestest, dearest, good friends are on the west coast, which makes for a challenging Spontaneous Friday-night Drinkfest / Movie / Bonfire / Anything.

So, back to the friend base expansion: we had invited a good friend, who in turn had brought one of his friends. The person, who unbeknownst to us will eventually to be dubbed a watermelon, was at the time of the bonfire only an acquaintance of Dan's, and I had never met him/her at all (the person's gender is actually not ambiguous at all; I'm just being really mean so I'm keeping it anonymous).

It seems rude to call the person a watermelon before the story actually gets all the way out, so in the spirit of anonymity (and since I refuse to use the grammatically-incorrect-but-gender-nonspecific "them" nor the technically-grammatically-correct-and-gender-nonspecific-but-rude-in-a-eunuch-kind-of-way "it") I'm going to start calling the person Androgyny.

At the bonfire, Androgyny was really excited about going camping / rafting in West Virginia. Androgyny asked if we were interested in going sometime in June. "Sure," we said. The conversation shifted to another topic, as all conversations do, and no more was said about it.

A few weeks later, Dan gets an e-mail from Androgyny explaining that the trip was booked for the weekend of June 19th, no start or end date mentioned, and that Androgyny had booked it on a credit card, so "You owe me $250, and I need that ASAP so I can pay my credit card bill."


WTF? Really, people do that? I was pissed, and made no secret of that to Dan. I just couldn't believe how rude that was. No details, no confirmation. Just an "I need my money" e-mail.

Now the trip begins tomorrow, and I'm still pretty much in the dark about everything. What are the bathroom facilities like? Is it primitive, no running water, bring your own toilet paper? Or, full showers with mirrors, outlets, and granite countertops? Not that I particularly mind either way, it's only one night for gosh's sakes, but I'd sure like to know how to pack. If I'm going to schlepp all my crap 6, 7, or 8 hours (I'm not sure where we're going) down to West Virginia, then I'm friggin' taking a shower! And if I'm not taking all my toiletries, then the other girls better not be showering, curling ironing, flat ironing, and makeuping themselves while I sit there stinking.

What's the verdict? Watermelon, or just a schmuck?

I'm still voting for watermelon. With an absolutely enormous splash.

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