Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Ernie of the man boobs

He's not fat, he's big-boned.

More cushion for the pushin'.

Love handles.

Big lovin'.

All of our cats are overweight. Not just overweight, but huge. Rolls of fat. Rotundo. Hula hoops of sagging skin encircling their non-existent waists. I'm not really sure how it happened, nor how it continues to be a problem, because all three are on a strict diet: they get indoor cat food, no treats and no people-food.

But, there it is. Three tubby kitties, two rolls of fat, and a planet-sized orange ball of fur.

The three cats have very different attitudes in regard to their bodies. For example, Bunny:

Bunny is embarrassed by her weight. She eats delicately and exercises regularly: "Breathe! In, one two three four! Out, one two. In, one two three four! Out, one two. Whew! Good workout." [Nap] "Time for yoga! Stretch! Lick lick lick. Stretch! Lick lick lick. Switch legs!" [Nap]. Not sure why she still struggles so hard with her weight; she's such a health-freak and hard worker.

Blake's problem is undoubtedly glandular. Ha, no I'm kidding. But seriously, he owns it. He refuses to diet or acknowledge the fact that he's got enough heft to give you bruises when he stands on your stomach.

Ernie, though. Ernie, Ernie, Ernie.

[I shake my head in exasperation]
Ernie has embraced his shapeliness. He is ecstatic with his new body, and narcissistically vain in a "Who wouldn't want all this?" Jerry Springer kind of way.

But he's tasteful. He keeps up-to-date on the magazines that have titles like "5 ways to look good naked!" or "Your body, your bedrooom, your way!" He takes advantage of the tips and applies them to himself, seemingly without effort.

Most recently he discovered the flattering trick of draping a sheet across his body to minimize a roly-poly stomach:


See his languid, alluring, seductive loll?

Relatively effective, I'd say, since when I moved the blanket I discovered to my horror that he was hiding . . . man boobs!


He looks mad that I thwarted his
"come-hither and snuggle me" plan.

Yes, my cat has man boobs. Man boobs that almost make you feel dirty when you pet his stomach. Almost--Almost!--as dirty as the way it feels when you have an accidental boob-to-arm bump from a stranger on public transportation.

3 comments:

lynnec114 said...

I have a cat, Max, who looks JUST like your Ernie. And he has man-boobs, too. He likes to stand on my (rather large) chest, and he has a tendency to leave bruises with his weight.

The funny thing is, though, he is an outdoor cat, and he is one of the best mousers Ive ever seen in action. He runs like the flash...if flash were a cat. :)

I saw the post on Noblopomo.com, and I just had to leave a note. :)

lacochran said...

You should release a variety of field mice in your home so the cats get some exercise.

No really.

You should.

*blink*

kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

this is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

my sister has a cat that is so large that my great grandmother mistaked him for an area rug. he also broke the handle on the cat carrier. when he was inside of it.

kelly

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