Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ohio: the other side of the country? Or the world?

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio. The climates are vastly different, the culture is bizarre, the foods are different, the terrain is boring, the store choices are crazy, no one recycles, no one cares about the environment (a guest threw a plastic wrapper in our bonfire for cripe's sake) . . .

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

No Fred Meyer, no Mexicali Express, no Chinese food, no Albertsons, no Safeway, no Starbucks on every corner, no 7-11 on every other corner, no dog parks. Corn, corn, corn as far as the eye can see. No mountains in the distance, no ocean within a two-hour drive.

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

Even the outlets are wrong (in a three-prong outlet, the single prong-hole is supposed to be on the BOTTOM!). Try plugging in a cutesy, decorative nightlight into an outlet that is upside down. Or, worse yet, try plugging in a scented oil doo-hickey into an outlet that is upside down. Nothing works on this side of the country!

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

Everything in Ohio is done half-assed . . . construction projects that should only take two weeks last for the ENTIRE SUMMER. A five-mile stretch of Route 2 has been down to one lane for weeks. First they had everyone use the left lane while they resurfaced the right lane. Then they switched us to the right lane and resurfaced the left side. Now we're back on the left and they're resurfacing the right side AGAIN. WTF?

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

What the heck is a pierogie? You put WHAT in stuffed pepper?! You mix WHAT together to make Cabbage and Noodles?! No yakisoba noodles at the fair!? Sausage at the fair instead of yakisoba noodles?! What treason is this!

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

Gossip. Prying. Spying? I hope not. Nosy. Scandal. Talk, rumors. Meddling pot-stirrers. Small town talk, small town minds. I lived in an apartment in Oregon for two years and never once met the people who lived across the hall.

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

Invisible deer, roadkill, vultures, bugs, bugs, bugs. A cricket in our basement the size of my head, dive-bombing deer flies, mosquito welts from June through October, spiders that see you and run TOWARD you, hordes of beetles that can make their way through glass.

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

Flakey, dry skin in the winter, heat rashes in the summer. Walking out of freezing cold A/C into humidity that would break your fall if you fell off the sidewalk from lack of oxygen.

It has not been an easy transition, this move to Ohio.

Don't believe me? Check out the average precipitation between Cleveland and Portland, courtesy of The Weather Channel. I know it's hard to see because it's small, but note the two cities are completely opposite from each other, POLAR opposites as far as rainfall goes, throughout the year.

Put that in your butt and smoke it.

6 comments:

Julie said...

Yeah I'm thinking the outlet thing is on the former homeowners part (was that your mother in law? if it was sorry.) but our outlets are all right side up. And the Starbucks and 7-11 thing well... No offense but if you didn't live and essentially work that far west there would be. it's all about location my friend. I have a starbucks within 15 minutes of my house and from work, forget about it there's one in the cafeteria and if I drive down euclid into downtown there's a bunch more. If I go to the east there are some too but I am not as familar with that area as I am downtown. All I know to the east is Coventry, they have Phoenix Coffee and they are fantastic. So you see I get that the move has been a bit of a culture shock but for real, it's all about location. Come out east for a day I'll show you all the spots.

Kate said...

Do I sound intolerant? I don't mean to!! Sometimes "comedic woes" come off plain ol' whiney, don't they? Whoops.

Regarding outlets: I should probably have specified that it is not just my home that has upside down outlets. So although yes I can (and DO!) blame those that built the house, that does not really explain why the outlets at WORK are also upside down! So I thought it was an Ohio thing. I stand corrected that I shouldn't be blaming the State . . . I'm not quite sure who should get the blame? But in my bubble at least: it's EVERYWHERE.

Starbucks and 7-11 were just two examples that I was using for what I like to call a lack of civilization over this-a-way. Fair? Perhaps not. I know that my Ohio-hometown, and where I work, are not considered the hub of civilization even for this area, so perhaps it was wrong to generalize. But in my experience, no matter where I go in Ohio I have problems with the store choices. Fred Meyer is the main, most noticible, most traumatic omission on this side of the country.

Guess I should buck up, huh?

therealbobthought said...

i could really relate to that, part of it any way. i had moved from oklahoma to ohio, and they told me that it hardly ever snowed in columbus, then sebnt me to cleveland instead. lived in mentor on the lake during the areas worst blizzard, but generally over all, the friendliest people in the world are there.

Julie said...

No, No you are not being intolerant, but wow I'm sort of amazed by the fact that both in your home and at your work they outlets are upside down. That seems a little crazy so I get that. And the Starbucks thing I guess I get too but as for Fred Meyers (sorry I suck) I clearly haven't spent any time out west I've never heard of Fred Meyers. What is it? But yes I get it while your hometown in Ohio is certinally not the center of civilization in this state there isn't much out that way Ben Franklin Five and Dime? The Feve! Oh sorry wrong conversation. Lol. But I get it after moving from an area that had things that were easily accessible to North West Ohio. That would do it.

Kate said...

Fred Meyer is owned by Kroger, so suppose-ably if I said Kroger then out this-a-way you'd know what it is. HOWEVER: I've been to the Kroger in Sandusky, and it is nothing like Fred Meyer. NOTHING!

Fred Meyer ("Freddies") is similar to a Wal-Mart in that it's one-stop shopping with grocery, electronics, furniture, etc. But the quality is MUCH better than Wal-Mart . . . I'd say similar to a Target. So imagine a Target that actually had a GREAT grocery section, and that would be close to a Fred Meyer.

They also have a Jeweler that is very good quality. To say you bought a ring or a watch or whatever from Freddies is about on par with Kay or JB Robinson. Not the ritziest of the ritzy, but not out of a gumball machine either.

So here in Ohio to get one-stop, you either have to go to Target and get your groceries somewhere else (so much for one-stop), or go to Wal-Mart and the quality suffers. Part of why I'm so hung up on it is because I think I'm weird for missing a store so much.

But once you've had it, it's really hard to do without!

Darci0013 said...

Haha- yeah, the third prong is at the bottom- in the older part of my house this is messed up but in the newer part of my house it's correct. Oh, and I learned that Oregon is the way it is because it is much "newer" than the east and therefore zoning ideals and such were able to take a hold before people were really established. Seriously. And Julie's right- you are in the wrong location if you wanted convenience. There's a Starbucks every 3-5 minutes in Akron. And everything else. Heck, there's one only 2 minutes from me! Right next to the sod fields.

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