Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Shoot the hostage!

Today I had to explain to my husband exactly what it means to have a Bad Eyelash Day. Am I the only one that suffers from this calamity? I wouldn’t think so, but it’s not something you necessarily talk about either. I’m curious if there’s anyone out there that has a clue what I’m talking about.

Basically, I have long, curly eyelashes. The kind all women “want” to have. I wouldn’t trade them for stubbies, hell no, but I will say: it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

It’s either the fact that my eyelashes are long, curly, that I wear mascara, or some mathematical equation involving all three. Whatever the result of the “if then” formula, an ordinary day can turn into a Bad Eyelash Day in . . . well, in the blink of an eye, I guess.

A normal person sheds eyelashes just like we all shed the hair on the rest of our bodies. If the fall out occurs at a faster rate then the re-growth, that’s when balding happens. Has anyone ever told you “You have a wish!” and meant that you have an eyelash on your cheek? So, you know that your eyelashes fall out on their own accord.

But did you know, sometimes the longer eyelashes break before they’re ready to shed and they don’t fall out! The base is still firmly embedded in your eyelid, but the end has snapped off.

If you have straight lashes, this isn’t really a problem. With or without mascara, man or woman, the broken lash just blends in with the rest of them. Perhaps you notice, perhaps not. Which is to say, if you don’t really lean in that closely to the mirror, it could very well go undetected. It will eventually grow back or shed out . . . much like if you snipped off one single strand of hair.

But if you have curly lashes, you’re screwed. Because more often then not, the darn thing breaks right at the bend of the curl, and then the nasty little sucker gets LOST along the way of the re-growth trail and curls the wrong damn way! Convex instead of concave? Concave instead of convex? Whatever, it’s a damn inside-out umbrella, and when you add mascara to the mix it’s a little pointy spear dragging across your eyeball at every blink!

You have to pull it out. Your day grinds to a halt and you spend the morning locked in the bathroom at work—ignoring periodic knocks indicating someone really has to go—and peering into the mirror trying to get a good grip on the little bastard so you can yank him out. Shoot the hostage!

Inevitably, you strike down a few innocent bystanders in the process. Hopefully it won’t be so many that you leave a gap in the crowd.


After posting this, a song sprang immediately to mind.  I just had to share:

When you're a skinny child of fourteen,
Wired with braces from ear to ear,
You doubt that you will ever be appealing.
Then Hallelujah! You are fifteen
And the braces disappear
And your skin is smooth and clear
And you have that happy grown-up female feeling.
How lovely to be a woman,
The wait was well worth while;
How lovely to wear mascara
And smile a woman's smile.
How lovely to have a figure,
That's round instead of flat;
Whenever you hear boys whistle,
You're what they're whistling at.
It's wonderful to feel
The way a woman feels;
It gives you such a glow just to know
You're wearing lipstick and heels!
How lovely to be a woman
And have one job to do;
To pick out a boy and train him
And then when you are through,
You've made him the man you want him to be!
Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!
How wonderful to know
The things a woman knows;
How marvelous to wait for a date
In simply beautiful clothes!
How lovely to be a woman
And change from boys to men,
To go to a fancy nightclub
And stay out after ten.
How lovely to be so grown-up and free!
Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!

1 comment:

Pat Tillett said...

Just one more reason why I so very happy NOT to be a women!

great and funny story...

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